Reflections

Going to college is an adventure. There is excitement about leaving home, making new friends, being exposed to new ideas, experiencing new freedom, living in a new place, and growing up as a person. If and when we leave home for college, the adventure is also fraught with some fear. Can I handle the coursework? What if I don’t get along with my roommate? How will I deal with loneliness and being homesick? Can I make the necessary academic, cultural, and social adjustments? Even if we do not leave home physically, going to college is a significant and sometimes painful step in the process of leaving home emotionally.

Everyone starts from the family and home they were born into. Because we are dependant on our parents (and family) for care and nurture, we have naturally strong feelings and attachments to home.  It is where we belong even when we do no think we fit anywhere. But we cannot stay there forever. Ultimately we all leave home in order to learn to stand on our own. Becoming an adult involves leaving home in order to become a distinct person with our own character, values, and vision for life.

Leaving home is a process that takes time, a long time in many ways.  It means cutting the emotional umbilical cord that connects us closely to our parents. It normally means moving out from under the care and provision and safety of our parents. It is a long process of becoming responsible for yourself by making decisions to make your own way in the world.

Every person’s leaving home story is unique and difficult, because every family is unique. Each of us has a unique relationship with the family we came from. Men and women do not leave in the same way. The way people leave home varies according to gender, economic status, cultural background, and spiritual history. 

Advice is given to those leaving home from many angles: an admonition to eat well, exercise, and get plenty of sleep; suggestions on handling a roommate, money, and the temptations of living away from home; warnings about being aware of false teachings in comparison to Biblical orthodoxy and liberal philosophies in the classroom. Yet for many, leaving home for college is a complex moment in which the feelings of joy and sadness flow freely, because those involved know that even in times of change, life goes on.

Some families make leaving seem life betrayal or an act of being disloyal. Parents sometimes say it is all right to grow up and leave home as long as you do not grow up too much or go too far. Some parents understand that loving always means letting go. Others are able to bless their children so they are free to take the high adventure with the confidence that the door is always open to come home. Leaving home may be an easy place to leave because it has not been safe or it has been too confining. Leaving may be easy because there are too few positive reasons or bonds to keep us there. Going to college, the marketplace, or the military can be the beginning of a journey in search of a home you never had. In some circumstances, leaving home may be less significant than finding a home.

Parents may not be the only road block to leaving home. Young people sometimes leave families in chaos as they leave with unresolved conflicts or outbursts of anger as they fight themselves out of home life in the search for autonomy. We may be reluctant to leave the warmth, security, familiar surroundings, and the free food, lodging, and laundry provided. We may be a bit afraid to go out and have to make our mark in a dark and frightful world. We may not believe we have the strength and perseverance to survive on our own. We may be hesitant to leave if we feel some responsibility to keep our parents from divorcing or to protect siblings from parental abuse. It may be hard to think about leaving if our family is so close and friendly that we cannot imagine finding other people to spend time with, or discover a new place we would rather be.

Leaving home to go to college is a difficult, painful struggle for everyone involved. Here are ten suggestions that may help the process move ahead:

First, allow yourself to grieve. 

Second, ask your parents about the process they went through to leave home; 

Third, practice making decisions without asking your parents for their input or permission; 

Fourth, realize that your parents and family will get along without you at home; 

Fifth, be patient with yourself and the process – leaving home takes time and numerous adjustments. 

Sixth, it is helpful to recognize that parents also have a hard time dealing with their kids leaving home. They wrestle with feelings of joy and sadness too.

Seventh, do not respond to parental attempts to use guilt or manipulation as a way to maintain control.

Eighth, do not behave on the basis of the expectation of future rewards or punishment from your family.

Ninth, realize that home will become at some point where someone lives and not where someone is from.

Tenth, work to develop and maintain rich and satisfying relationships with your parents and family.

It is God’s purpose that each person discovers, develops, and uses their gifts in order to serve the Body of Christ and the world. The discovery of your gifts will lead you on a unique and surprising pathway that even your parents had not planned on. That is why they journey from home is always an adventure filled with joy, sadness, faith, and hope.